The biggest tool I use in coaching is "The Model" created by Brooke Castillo. The model helps us see that everything in the world falls under five categories. Something is either a circumstance, a thought, a feeling, an action, or a result. Check out this 5 minute video where Brooke explains how she came up with the model and why understanding and applying it is crucial to making our dreams come true.
Overwhelm and Burnout
A few weeks ago I shared this video on "The Model". The model teaches us that we all experience circumstances in our lives and those circumstances are completely neutral until we have a thought about them (e.g. until we give them meaning). Our thoughts, rather than our circumstances, then generate our feelings. Our feelings then drive us to action or inaction and then what we do or don't do determines our current results.
We've spent the last 18 months navigating a global pandemic, so naturally the topic of overwhelm and burnout comes up often. As we seek relief from feeling these emotions, we often try to change or avoid our circumstances. We drop out of school, we get divorced, we quit our jobs, we move to a new neighborhood. Or we might just give up on goals we set, distract ourselves from our responsibilities, look at social media instead of work, etc. We do this because we think changing or avoiding our circumstances will make us feel better. The Model, however, teaches us the best thing we can do to find the relief we seek is to just manage our minds.
If you resonate with burn out or overwhelm, I encourage you to listen to this quick podcast episode below. These principles are simple yet life changing.
The Life Coach School: The Truth about Burnout (Episode 182)
Fact vs. Story
In my last email I shared the the importance of managing your mind. One helpful way to do that is to recognize that there are facts in the world and then there are interpretations of those facts. Our interpretation of the facts is the story we create to give facts meaning. Basically, it's how us humans make sense of what's going on in our internal and external worlds.
Usually this process is pretty automatic and it isn't something we tend to question. We state our stories as facts because we often think they are facts. We say things like "My boss is a jerk" or "My mother-in-law is the worst" or "My job stresses me out". We say these things as if everyone would agree with us. In reality, the only facts in those statements are "I have a boss", "I have a mother-in-law", and "I have a job". Everything else is just a story.
So next time you find yourself feeling negative emotion about something, try separating the facts of the situation from the story you're telling about it. Challenge yourself to find a few other ways to see yourself, another person, or the situation differently. Sometimes it's helpful to think, "What might someone else think in this scenario? Is it possible I'm not seeing the full picture? Is my interpretation honest and fair?" etc.
If you're reading this and think you have a story about someone or something that isn't serving you, this is the perfect thing to bring to coaching.
Relationship Manuals
Last week we discussed facts and the stories we create about them. This week I want to teach you a little bit about relationship manuals. Manuals, in general, are a set of instructions to help us know how to build or fix something. When we follow a manual, we expect things to work the way they're supposed to. People, on the other hand, don't come with a set of instructions but we try to create manuals for them anyway. We have spouse manuals and co-worker manuals and in-law manuals, etc. Some manuals are pretty small and others are pretty large depending on the relationship. We don't usually realize we have manuals for other people but say/think things like "My husband should take out the trash and not complain about it", or "My boss should really be the one who instigates our one-on-one meetings", or "My in-laws really should know it's rude to come over unannounced". We want people to act a certain way because, subconsciously, we think it will help us feel a certain way. When people don't act how we want them to, we make it a problem, blame them, and/or become frustrated and hurt.
Do you relate to this at all? Take a few minutes to watch THIS video of Brooke Castillo explaining a little more about manuals and how often our disappointment in relationships is not only self-inflicted but completely optional.
If you feel like there are relationships in your life that could use some improvement, it's likely that improvement could just come from us examining the manuals you have for others. As we do this, I'm confident any of your relationships can drastically improve without needing any of those people to change a thing. Isn't that magical??
Last week we discussed relationship manuals and how they seem beneficial to relationships but often just create a lot of heartache. Something else that creates a lot of heartache is the expectation that we should be happy all of the time. We often hear about "the pursuit of happiness" and believe that happiness is the ultimate goal of life!
What if I told you that it actually is not? What if we are supposed to come to earth to experience ALL of the emotions and that life has and always will be 50/50? Meaning no matter what is going on in our life, we're going to experience 50% positive emotion and 50% negative emotion. What if we really understood this and accepted that part of our human experience means we're going to have negative emotions half of our lives?
It's possible that with this understanding, we would be willing to feel negative emotions instead of always distracting ourselves from them or resisting them. We would probably also acknowledge our negative emotions which would allow us to deal with them, process them, and move on from them.
So I'm curious. How do you currently distract yourself from experiencing negative emotion e.g. overeating, over-netflixing, overspending, etc? What does it cost you emotionally, physically, and mentally? What would you be willing to do or or stop doing if you weren't afraid of feeling the negative emotion (e.g. discomfort, disappointment, deprivation) that might come with it? What in your life would feel like less of a problem if you knew nothing has gone wrong and experiencing negative emotion is supposed to happen?
Tune in to this short video to learn a little bit more about life being 50/50 and if you'd like to learn more about this concept, make sure you sign up for a coaching slot soon!
Life is supposed to be 50/50. We are supposed to have the highs and lows and everything in between.
What do you do when your feelings come up? Especially the ones you perceive as negative?
As humans, we have four options. The first option is to resist them by tensing up against them. The second option is to avoid them - meaning we distract ourselves with scrolling social media, "eating our feelings", playing video games, watching tv, etc. The third thing we can and often do is react to them or act out by taking them out on other people, throwing a tantrum, yelling, etc. The fourth option is we just allow the feelings and relax into them by taking a deep breath and choosing to just sit with the feeling in your body. The wild thing about that last option is that even though it sounds terrible, being with your emotion will allow you to process it which gives the emotion permission to move on.
This podcast episode takes a deeper dive on the subject and includes some info on how to better allow yourself the full human experience of feeling ALL the feelings. If you find this resonates with you and you've maybe been resisting, reacting to, or avoiding certain feelings...let's meet!
Holiday Manuals
Last week Tara shared some really helpful information on navigating family relationships, useful affirmations, and stress management tools we can utilize during the holidays. I’d like to add some coaching tips that might be enlightening as well!
Holidays can be hard because they often magnify the needs and expectations we have of others and/or ourselves. In coaching we call these expectations manuals. Manuals are kind of fun killers and ruin things that don't need to be ruined.
Manuals are a list of subconscious instructions we have for other people. If people behave the way we want them to behave, we get to feel good. If people behave in ways we don’t like, then we have to feel bad. Considering we don’t get to control other people, do you see why this might be problematic?
What would the holidays look like if you let your family be themselves and didn’t need them to do this or that to make you feel a certain way? What if you chose to have positive thoughts about your family members (and yourself) regardless of what they said or did? Here are a few simple steps that could help your holidays go better.
Create awareness around the expectations you have for yourself and your family members. What do you think they should and/or shouldn't do? Why?
Allow the humans to be humans. They are going to do whatever they want anyway, but this way you get to feel better by giving them permission to be themselves!
Take ownership of your feelings. Recognize that your feelings do not come from what others say and do, but rather come from your thoughts about what they say and do. Once you understand this, it makes it much easier to do step #2!
Take ownership of your actions. Recognize that you don't actually have to do anything you don't want to do. So if you DO decide to attend holiday events, decide beforehand how you want to show up and be committed to that regardless of how others behave.
Feel free to watch this quick video on this topic (it links to a lengthier webinar too if you are interested) and/or sign up to meet with me and we can create some awareness (and relief!) around your own holiday manuals that are causing you suffering.
Hygge
As we approach the winter solstice, I can't help but think of Denmark. Denmark is known for their long and dark winters but also the Danish people are known for being amongst the happiest people in the world. Even in (especially in!) those long and dark days. It's assumed that this is because the Danish people embody the word "hygge" (hoo-guh). Hygge doesn't directly translate into English but originates from a Norwegian word meaning "well-being" and is most similar to the English word "cozy". What I love about Hygge is that it takes the focus off of things and instead focuses on atmosphere and experience - which is a big contrast during this season of holiday consumption! I love that it's all about slowing down, being present, and making the ordinary more special.
I've never been one to love the winters and would just try to push through until I decided to create a more hygge mental and physical space. Recently I've given myself permission to slow down, enjoy being inside, drink more tea, light more candles, see the cold as an opportunity to get cozy, enjoy and allow space for more simple activities, and incorporate more rest. By doing this, I've actually really loved the last few winters and genuinely enjoy the longer nights!
If this idea resonates with you and you'd like to bring more hygge into your life, this 8 minute meditation explains it in more detail and gives many great suggestions on how to do it. I suggest you grab a pen and paper, get cozy, tune into this quick meditation, and then jot down any ideas that come to mind as you listen. Even just small and simple adjustments to how we interact with our life can make a huge difference.
So as we approach the last two weeks of the year that tend to be pretty chaotic and busy, I hope each of you can create some hygge for yourselves and the people you love.
I want to talk about Manuals again because this concept has come up SO MUCH in coaching lately and it applies to ALL of us.
If you remember, manuals are like rule books/instruction manuals/wishlists we have for one another. They are the list of things we want people to do or not do so we can feel a certain way. Usually we can recognize a manual when we start out sentences like:
- I just wish Sam would start....
- If only Sally would stop....
- Jack should just....
- Jill shouldn't...
- I'd be happy if Tom would just...
Have you ever found yourself saying something like that about someone? If so, congratulations!! You 100% have a manual for them.
Manuals cause us suffering because we have this fictitious idea of how people should show up in the world. We focus so much on our fictitious versions that we often miss out on who people really are. This is a problem because the expectations we put on others usually aren't even that realistic! So then people don't measure up, even if they want to, to the manuals we have for them and we become frustrated, angry, and usually blame them for it. What a fun cycle, am I right?!
So has anyone come to mind as you've been reading? Are you currently struggling with a family member, friend, or coworker? If so, I want you to think about that person as you listen to this podcast episode that expounds on this topic. I also would love to see you in a coaching session so we can create more awareness around the expectations you have for this person/relationship and figure out ways to help things go better.
Boundaries
I'm sure you've heard the word boundaries thrown around quite a bit but I want to share with you a different perspective that I hope is helpful.
True boundaries:
Are created in a spirit of love and kindness
Help us know how WE will act in certain situations
Are a form of self care and created for ourselves
Help us figure out what we want to allow in our lives
Tell the truth
Promote self responsibility and empowerment
Help us have closer relationships with others
Free us from unnecessary resentment, mind drama, and conflict
Help us create authentic relationships with people we previously struggled with
True boundaries are NOT:
Controlling other people's behavior or manipulating others for your own benefit
Created for other people
Made out of fear, anger, or a place of blame
Intended to push people away or isolate us from others
Selfish or rude (the irony is that this is probably how we look to others when we don't have proper boundaries!)
Meant to keep others out of our lives
Emotional
Ultimatums
Often when people talk about boundary issues they confuse them with requests. Examples of this would be wishing your husband would take the garbage out or your wife would be more romantic or wanting a friend to call you on your birthday or wanting your boss to give you more praise.
Humans get to do whatever they want and so boundaries aren't about trying to control other people. Boundaries are about being clear about what YOU will do IF someone does something that crosses YOUR boundary.
Some suggestions around creating a boundary:
1. Boundaries are basically decisions we make beforehand of how we are going to act in certain situations so before setting a boundary, you have to be clear about what your personal boundaries are. When we aren't even clear ourselves, it's hard for other people to know when they've crossed one.
2. Boundaries should be set from love for yourself and the other person. Don't create a boundary until you can get to a calm, peaceful place.
3. Boundaries need to be communicated only when someone has violated them. Emphasize that this is how you are taking care of yourself and it's nothing against them.
4. Once a boundary has been violated, we need to communicate to the person that they've crossed a boundary, and clearly state the consequences if they don't stop. This comes in the form of a request (ask someone to stop doing the thing that infringes on your property - literally or emotionally) and a consequence (tell the person what you will do if they do not comply with your request)
5. Once you make the request, give them the option to do whatever they would like to do, and then follow through on that request. This is the hardest part but failure to follow through and act accordingly sends the message that the boundary doesn't truly exist!
Let's look some examples.
Let's say your boss yells at you. It's possible this doesn't bother you and it's not a problem. But if it does bother you and you aren't okay with it, then this would be an appropriate time to state a boundary. It might sound something like "Hey, I just want you to know that if you continue to raise your voice at me I'm going to leave the room until you can speak calmly. If this type of thing continues, I will also need to go to HR to discuss the situation". And then whatever your boss does next determines what you do next. Does that make sense? Since you clearly stated your boundary, you don't have to get upset or frustrated because you've made it clear what the consequence is if the behavior persists. We want to make situations like this math, not drama.
This could also look like (plug in any boundary) "Look, I'm not comfortable with this going on. If it does continue, this is what I'm going to do. I think you're wonderful and I value our friendship/partnership/relationship, so that's why I want to be clear and straightforward with this".
Is this making sense? Boundaries are awesome and being open and honest about them and then enforcing them from a place of love keeps you from being frustrated, angry, and resentful. It also allows other people the opportunity to honor them, which ultimately strengthens your relationships and benefits everyone.
If you'd like to learn more about boundaries you can listen to THIS podcast episode or slack me to chat about your own.
Have you heard of this concept before? It comes up a LOT in coaching.
Emotional childhood occurs when we (grown adults) have not matured past childhood in terms of managing our emotions and do not take responsibility for how we feel. When we’re in emotional childhood we react, act out, avoid, blame, and create justifications for our bad behavior. We live in victimhood of what’s going on around us and wish that circumstances, people, etc would just change so we could feel better!!
Honestly, it makes a lot of sense why we think this way. Many of us grew up being told we hurt each other's feelings and we don’t think twice before saying someone made us feel angry/frustrated/hurt/etc.
Here are some examples that I hear often:
“He hurt my feelings”
“They really shut me down”
“You made me so upset when you ___________”
“She makes me so angry”
Do you find yourself saying things like that? This rhetoric is problematic because it makes us think other people somehow have control over our emotions and therefore we have to feel a certain way. Many of us walk around believing other people are responsible for how we feel and that our emotions just happen to us. This is a problem because A. It’s not true and B. It’s a very disempowering way to live.
Lucky for us, there’s a better way. We don’t have to keep acting out and blaming other people for our feelings. We all have the ability to practice emotional adulthood instead.
Emotional adulthood is recognizing that regardless of what happens around us, we’re always in charge of how we think, feel, and behave. It’s recognizing that we are responsible for how we feel in every moment and therefore blaming other people for our emotions is unproductive. It’s also recognizing that since others aren’t responsible for our negative emotions, they aren’t responsible for our positive emotions either. In emotional adulthood we don’t expect anyone to “make” us happy/secure/etc because we know that’s OUR job!
Between the things that happen outside of us and the emotions we feel are the thoughts we think, or the meaning we give to people’s words and behavior. When we take ownership over our emotions, we get to decide how we want to think and feel about everything and it’s so much more fun! Even when people do upsetting or frustrating things, we don’t necessarily have to get upset or frustrated. When we realize we create our own emotions, we get to decide if we want to keep them or not! We can feel better without anyone else needing to change a thing.
So I want you to think about your life and your relationships. Where do you see this happening and with whom? Where are you placing blame? In what ways do you experience emotional childhood with your coworkers, family members, or friends? If something came to mind, come meet with one of us this week and we can help you sort through it! You can also check out THIS YouTube video or THIS podcast if you’d like to learn more.
Feelings
What creates our feelings?
Often we think external circumstances like our job, our family, our relationships, our economic status, other people's behavior, etc create our feelings. In reality, feelings are created by the thoughts we have about all those things and the meaning we give them.
Because of this, it's super important to not only recognize what you are feeling but also get curious about why you are feeling it. Unfortunately, most of us don't really know how to do this! We spend so much time avoiding and resisting feelings that we end up having a hard time even knowing what's going on inside of us and become numb to our emotional experience. This is why it's so important to learn how to access our emotions so we can instead acknowledge them and move through them.
So how do we do it? Fortunately there are many different ways but I want to share with you a method my clients use that is SUPER helpful, effective, and relatively painless. :)
Step 1: Give yourself a set amount of time to look at the Feelings Wheel (I've attached a pdf to this email as well so you can have your own copy!) and just read through all the different options of emotions. As you read through it, make a list of any and all emotions that stick out to you.
Step 2: Once you have your feelings list, go through each feeling and fill out the following sentence prompt for each one: I'm feeling (insert feeling) because (write down whatever comes to mind). Do this as many times as you need for each feeling and then move on to the next one.
Don't overthink this or censor yourself! Just write whatever comes to mind without judgment. Really let your mind go buck wild!
Step 3: Once you're done writing, read through the sentences you wrote and just notice all the different feelings and thoughts that came up. Once you're done you can look at the Feelings Wheel one more time to see if any other emotions came up or just move on with your day. Often the very act of writing them down and witnessing them is enough to create a mental shift!
Just like how we eat food and then our body disposes of what it doesn't need, writing exercises like this help our mind go through a similar process. If you'd like further help/guidance with this or any other part of your life, please reach out to one of us. We are here for you!
To follow with the theme of Mindfulness, I want to share with you a conversation I recently had with a family friend.
It came out about 6 months ago that this friend has had a gambling addiction for the last 5 years. By the time his family found out, he had already gambled away 30 years of their savings and retirement money. As a result, they lost the restaurant they owned and had to file for bankruptcy.
This family is currently trying to put their lives back together and a big part of that has been going to therapy. I asked him how therapy was going for him and he said it's going well. Then he said something that kind of surprised me. He said the main thing his therapist has asked him to do to overcome his addiction is practice mindfulness.
For him, practicing mindfulness looks like:
- Slowing down in everything he does, especially driving.
- Sitting with an emotion even though he doesn't want to and feeling it instead of distracting himself from it.
- Attentively and carefully doing house work (e.g. washing the dishes slowly and with care).
- Spending one-on-one time with his family members.
- Going on a nature walk or taking a mindful shower while paying attention to what all five senses are experiencing.
- Eating more slowly and intentionally.
- Practicing being present (focusing on the person and making eye contact) with the people he is with instead of distracting himself with his phone.
- Noticing and acknowledging his breathing as he goes about his day.
Maybe you don't have a gambling addiction but if mindfulness can help with that, it can definitely help with whatever you'd like to improve in your life too!
So I want you to think about what your typical day looks like. What could practicing more mindfulness look like for you? We've emphasized meditation but what other ways could you be more mindful? Is there something in your life that you could do a little more slowly with more intention? Is there someone or something (a task, activity, etc) that you could be more present with?
If you're up for the challenge, I want you to think about one thing you could do more mindfully each day this week and take note of the difference it makes in your mood, how you approach your work, how your relationships feel, etc. Then slack or email me and let me know how it went! You can also reach out to any one of us if you'd like further support in this area.
I don't want them to be upset with me.
...Have you ever had a thought like that?
This has come up with a few clients recently so I thought it would be helpful to share one of the Thought Models* we created.
*If you don't know what the Thought Model is, watch this one minute video explaining it
Thought Model:
Circumstance: A situation involving multiple family members
The thought about the circumstance: I don't want them to be upset with me.
The feeling this thought created: Worried
The actions taken when feeling worried: Ruminate, make assumptions/make up stories in my head of what’s going to happen, try to fix it, try to control everyone’s emotions, reach out constantly, don’t acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings, give the type of validation I wish others would give me (and when I don't receive it I get resentful), catastrophize, blame myself, don’t let it go, get headaches, cry, stomach aches, not as present, distracted, snap at others
Result: I’m upset with me AND them
Okay woah. Isn't it wild that such a seemingly nice thought like "I don't want them to be upset with me" creates such suffering? We have plenty of other seemingly nice thoughts like "I just want them to be happy" or "I just want everyone to get along". Honestly, they seem SO nice! But the truth is that half the time people are going to be upset with us, they are not going to feel happy, and they are not going to get along! So when we try to control something that we have no control over (like other people's emotions), we're actually being a little manipulative and it doesn't benefit anybody.
Now I'm not saying don't be a nice person! Definitely be kind to others and treat the people in your life well.
What I am saying is that you should get curious about what you create for yourself when you do certain things because you want people to act a certain way. Life gets a whole lot easier when you show up the way you want to and then just allow everyone else to do the same!
If you saw a little bit of yourself in these sentences, please reach out and let's get you on the road to people-pleasing recovery. It's not as hard of a journey as you might think. 😘
Myth 1: Life Coaches think they know everything about life
I remember first hearing about life coaches being a thing and thought it was absolutely absurd that there were people in the world who had the audacity to think they knew enough about life to coach other people on it! That version of me would cringe to know that just a few years later we would become one .
BUT. Lucky for us all, that is not what a life coach is! I am no better at life than anyone else. However! I have tools and concepts that, when applied, can be life changing.
Myth 2: Meeting with a life coach means that you are failing at life
I was just talking to a client this week and they mentioned not wanting to get coached initially because they felt like if we met it meant they had failed in some way. That is super NOT TRUE. You are probably doing really great in most areas! Coaching is just a good option when you have an area or two (like a habit or relationship) that could use some help improving.
Myth 3: A life coach tells you what to do
Listen. I really don't know what's best for you! YOU do. So when you come to a session, I'm not going to give you advice. Instead, my job is to help you gain self awareness and help you connect with your own wisdom in order to figure things out for yourself. You already have the answers! I just help you find them.
Still on the fence? Here is what coaching has done for two of your peers:
From a Solo Employee:
Before I started coaching, my biggest problem was that everything felt out of my own control. My emotions, my schedule, my thoughts, everything was just kind of all over the place. I felt like I was constantly having anxiety or feeling overworked and overwhelmed with what was going on in the world and in my life. It was exhausting emotionally and physically as well. Before tryout out coaching I tried meditation or other relaxation things I was taught as a kid or I’d try to take breaks but they didn’t really work. I also tried talking to family and friends but that didn’t really help at all either. Now I feel like I have a direction and there is always something I’m trying to improve on and get better at. I have a sense that I know what I’m doing and have both hands on the steering wheel as far as every aspect of my life goes. My negative thoughts and feelings have been cut down by probably 90%. This has been a huge impact for me and so if you’re thinking about getting coached, don’t think you’re too good for it and don’t be afraid of it. At first I was resistant and thought it would help very little and it ended up helping out ten times more than I thought. It helped me do and be better and it will help you do and be better too. Honestly I think everyone needs coaching!
From an Encor Employee:
Before getting coached I wasn’t able to discern what I was feeling and why. Stress and overthinking small things made me more stressed than I really needed to be. I was easily burned out from work and was unable to motivate myself to do things if I felt “too stressed” or overwhelmed with something. Being coached helped me take time to dive into my thoughts and emotions to try and figure out the WHYs and the WHATs behind them. It helped me understand what’s happening in my head to ultimately get through what I’m feeling. It wasn’t just “tips and tricks” but I learned skills to be an overall better ME and skills to motivate, destress, and not overthink nearly as much as I used to. Coaching helped me realize that “it’s okay” in all aspects. I feel more grounded and content as well as I’m learning to enjoy the smaller things in life. I’m calmer. Life is still stressful but I don’t react to things in such a negative way all the time anymore. I also feel more productive with just small things that I get done and am more proactive.
Is there something in your life that you wish could be better? A relationship that could improve? A habit you aren't happy with? Let's see how coaching (or therapy!) can help you like it's helped so many others.