Our vulnerability can help us awaken to our innate kindness, compassion, and tenderness — we can be open to our sadness even though it hurts like crazy.
When the pain of the world feels unbearable, and we’re on the edge of breaking down, we touch our vulnerability. That raw, tender, soft spot of our sadness is the seed of our compassion — and of our hearts opening.
This vulnerability is what connects us to our humanity, to our capacity to be with the suffering we feel in our own lives and witness in the lives of other people — whether a neighbor or a stranger on the other side of the world. It’s in this uncertainty that we can awaken to our innate kindness and empathy. We don’t harden ourselves — but stay open even though it hurts like crazy.
We can sit with our emotions, meditate on our sensations, and fully accept what we’re experiencing right this moment. This is how we practice self-compassion and mindfulness. We patiently listen and find the courage to care for ourselves, gently and lovingly. By keeping our hearts open, we can channel our pain into compassionate service.
A Buddhist practice that is helpful during difficult times is the loving-kindness meditation or metta bhavana (Pali). This meditation cultivates our compassion and connection to all beings. On the surface, it’s a simple meditation but can be emotionally powerful, and it's not uncommon to cry (out of joy or sadness).
Here are the basic steps:
Sit comfortably in a chair or on a cushion with eyes closed. Connect to the natural flow of your breath, allowing yourself to feel at ease.
Gently bring your attention to your heart (place a hand to your heart area if you like). Begin by offering sincere loving-kindness to yourself. You can create your own phrases or use the ones provided. Allow space between each phrase and repeat as many times as you want: May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be filled with loving-kindness. May I be free of suffering.
When you’re ready, the next step is to think of someone you care about. This can be a family member, friend, or pet. Picture them in your mind, say their name if you want, and offer the same phrases of loving-kindness: May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be filled with loving-kindness. May you be free of suffering. Let the feelings of gratitude and love expand and radiate out from your heart center — for yourself and for your loved one.
Now offer the same loving-kindness phrases to someone neutral — perhaps a colleague or cashier at the market. Picture them in your mind and say their name if you want. Let the circle of compassion grow wider.
When you’re ready, think of someone you have negative feelings towards. Touch your compassion for this person, knowing that this will benefit both of you. This part of the meditation may be challenging, that’s okay. You don’t have to force it. Be patient, you’ll get there with time.
Lastly, in this ever-expanding circle of loving-kindness, let your compassion radiate to all beings everywhere: May all beings be safe. May all beings be happy. May all beings be filled with loving-kindness. May all beings be free of suffering. You can visualize your compassion as a light radiating out from you in all directions.
At the end of the meditation, sit as long as you need to or even lie down to rest.
Once you get the hang of the loving-kindness meditation, you can personalize it to whatever you’re dealing with. Some days you might need to focus on doing the meditation just for yourself. Or you might focus on a friend who’s having a hard time. Maybe there’s a larger situation negatively affecting you, and this can be a way through the pain and to your heart. Whatever the challenges you face, this practice is here to support you.
(From DailyOm.com)
Hello Friends,
I am writing this the week of our first tomato-killing cold snap. It’s more challenging to find ease in my body this time of year as the chilly weather sets in. I tell myself this winter will be different. I will snuggle my demon (the cold) and we will finally be happy together.
I love to share information on Polyvagal Theory along with various practices that can help us build a stronger connection with our bodies and wider window of tolerance in our emotional lives. Checking in with how we feel helps us learn how to move from states that flood our systems with stress hormones to states that allow more ease, openness and wellbeing in all areas of life. I’d like to share, with permission, a note I received a few weeks ago about how (I will call him Fred here) is personally benefiting from becoming aware of his own nervous system states.
Brandi,
I am still on a rich personal growth high since our ventral vagal state discussion. I am baffled by all the years I have been in therapy, doing EMDR, cognitive Behavioral therapy, talking with Hippies and everything that no one told me that there was a “safe social state”, a “rest and digest state”, or the Ventral Vagal state. All of these sources guided me on reducing anxiety, which has been reducing the effects of the freeze and flight and fight state, but never actually leaving it. I haven’t been able to connect with people since high school, and it has always been a mystery to me when it happened. It was always only in extreme states such as being in love. In various therapy sessions or group things like authentic relating games I would feel connected but didn’t know why. From what I have now learned is one cannot grow emotional connections in a frozen state, which is the state I am always in in social situations. My path has always been to reduce the freeze state, but I am still in a minimal freeze state, and that was simply because I didn’t know where else to go (among other things). Now just simply looking at a diagram of the ventral vagal state I can get there… It will be a struggle for a while. But I feel the blood rush back to my eye and other extremity that have been starved from it for such a long time and the health effect that I have been suffering from (like extreme dry eye) have been much reduced.
I always thought because of my autism I could not connect with others. And probably more correctly because of my relationship trauma and insecure attachment I just fundamentally did not posses the ability to connect.
No one ever explained to me what the physiological mechanisms behind connection were. And when I enquired nothing ever made sense because they were using schemas that are so fundamentally basic to the normal group (or 68% of us) that I had no clue about. It was those schemas I was looking for. This ventral Vagal state was the missing piece in a huge collection of self discovery pieces. Now I feel like I have the complete picture of myself and know how to move forward. So Thank You, and I haven’t even applied the rest of the practices yet :)
Feel free to reach out if you would like to learn more about Polyvagal Theory and the Human Central Nervous System, or other practices and processes to integrate into your life according to your needs and interests.
Warm Regards and Happy Fall to All!
Brandi
Polyvagal Intro: Deb Dana
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cxn9SyW0DvM&t=333s
Books:
Waking the Tiger, Peter Levine
Befriending Your Nervous System, Deb Dana
https://www.audible.com/search?keywords=deb+dana+befriending+your+nervous+system
Polyvagal Theory, Steven Porges MD
You Tube Channels:
Irene Lyon:
https://www.youtube.com/@IreneLyon
Therapy in a Nutshell:
As part of evolution and survival, our brains (more specifically our amygdala) have been hard wired to scan for danger and notice the negative. Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson explains in this article how our amygdala uses about two-thirds of its neurons to detect negativity and then quickly stores it into long-term memory. Two-thirds!!!
This is why we can get an annual review at work (or any type of feedback from a person or a group of people) and focus on the one or two pieces of constructive criticism instead of giving any weight to the other mostly positive feedback. We do this with what happens in our day to day lives as well. Have you ever said you're having a terrible day, when in fact 95% of your day was probably totally fine but one thing happened that set you off? This is part of that negativity bias, and although it was helpful at one time to keep our ancestors alive it is less helpful to us now. Living in a state of negativity can increase stress levels, lower our overall quality of life, and most importantly not see our lives through an accurate lens.
The good news though, is we can train our amygdalas to notice more than just perceived danger, just like we can train other muscles in our body to get stronger. We can intentionally try to notice and give more attention to the good which helps our amygdalas become more sensitive to it! Not to have rose colored glasses by any means, but to give as much attention to what's going right as we often give to what's going wrong.
Here are some ways you can do that:
- Challenge yourself to go 24 hours without complaining. This one creates amazing awareness because most of us have no idea how much we actually complain!
- Instead of saying things like "I had a bad day" really think about how much of your day was bad. Is it more honest to say you had a bad few hours? A bad afternoon? Practice getting more specific to signal to your brain that things probably aren't as bad as it's making them seem.
- Make time for positive reflection. Studies have shown that positive experiences generally need to be held in awareness for 5 - 20 seconds for them to register in our emotional memory. This can be done through a gratitude journal, a nightly reflection practice, or just being really present with something/someone that you enjoy.
- When you notice you're fixating on something negative, try to acknowledge the parts that might be good. Practice rewriting the negative bias narrative your brain has offered you by separating the facts from your stories about the facts and then asking "what else could be true?".
- One of my favorite coaching questions to combat the "What if everything goes wrong?" worry we often have is "What if everything goes right?". Let's say you are trying to decide between two options and you could have the best case scenario in both, which is most appealing to you? That is always a more productive (and fun!) conversation than talking about all the things the brain is stressing about.
- When you can feel yourself go into fight or flight, practice regulating your nervous system before you respond to the stimulus that feels scary. Ask yourself 1. Am I (physically) safe right now? 2. Do I feel safe? If you are indeed safe but don't feel safe, then the next step is to find acute ways to relax your body to regulate back into the present moment. This can be doing a body scan, noticing tension and releasing it, breathing, etc. (Check out this podcast episode if you want to learn more about this)
- Move your body in a way that you love. Listen to music that pumps you up. Infuse fun into the mundane, mix things up, etc.
- Meditate on the things you love and what brings you joy - create some emotional muscle memory for the positive emotions you have a difficult time accessing. Here is a meditation I love from Sarah Blondin that helps me get into that headspace.
- Meet with me or one of our amazing therapists if you feel like this is something you struggle with. We will help you!
Would love to hear if you try any of these practices above and your experience with it! Here's to recognizing and feeling more of the good stuff.
Most of us are familiar with the great feeling we get from spending time on the dance floor. From weddings and holiday parties to aerobic classes or even dance lessons, moving our body often lifts our mood. Turns out dancing can improve our mental health, and there’s a scientific explanation behind those mood-boosting moves.
The Power of Dancing
Research shows there are many benefits to dance. Dance improves your heart health, overall muscle strength, balance and coordination, and reduces depression. These benefits are noticeable across a variety of ages and demographics.
Swedish researchers studied more than 100 teenage girls who were struggling with issues such as depression and anxiety. Half of the girls attended weekly dance classes, while the other half didn’t. The results? Girls who participated in dance classes improved their mental health and reported a boost in their mood. These positive effects lasted up to eight months after the dance classes ended. Researchers concluded dance can result in increased self-esteem for participants and potentially contribute to sustained new healthy habits.
Teens aren’t the only ones who can dance their way to better mental health. Senior citizens (and adults of all ages) can reap the benefits too. A small group of seniors, ages 65-91, was studied in North Dakota. After taking 12 weeks of Zumba (a dance fitness class), the seniors reported improved moods and cognitive skills- not to mention increased strength and agility.
Aside from the benefits of movement and music, dancing also allows us to become more connected and social. Forming new friendships or rekindling old relationships are wonderful side effects of dance. These social interactions can play a huge role in improving your mood and mental health.
If you are struggling with depression, consider trying dance as a form of therapy. While dancing should never replace seeking professional help, it can be one tool you use to stay healthy. A formal dance class, exercise class, or even grooving alone in your room could be enough to make a difference.
--(From: Dancing & Mental Health -article)
Other Bits of Inspiration...
One of Tara's dance-y playlists on Spotify - Send me any songs you think I should add!
Just Watch (music video) :) - Can you watch this and not at least smile!? (You'll probably start dancing :)
What even is a Life Coach? - 7.18.23 - by Megan
This question has come up a lot recently when meeting with new clients so let me at least tell you what we're not. :)
Myth 1: Life Coaches think they know everything about life
I remember first hearing about life coaches being a thing and thought it was absolutely absurd that there were people in the world who had the audacity to think they knew enough about life to coach other people on it! That version of me would cringe to know that just a few years later we would become one.
BUT. Lucky for us all, that is not what a life coach is! I am no better at life than anyone else. However! I have tools and concepts that, when applied, can be life changing.
Myth 2: Meeting with a life coach means that you are failing at life
I was just talking to a client this week and they mentioned not wanting to get coached initially because they felt like if we met it meant they had failed in some way. That is super NOT TRUE. You are probably doing really great in most areas! Coaching is just a good option when you have an area or two (like a habit or relationship) that could use some help improving. I think everyone would benefit from having a life coach!
Myth 3: A life coach tells you what to do
Listen. I really don't know what's best for you! YOU do. So when you come to a session, I'm not going to give you advice. Instead, my job is to help you gain self awareness and help you connect with your own wisdom in order to figure things out for yourself. You already have the answers! I just help you find them.
Still on the fence? Here is what coaching has done for some of your peers:
Solo Employee:
If I had to say what the most impactful thing I did was this past year, it would for sure be life coaching with Megan. It changed my entire mindset and outlook on life. It helped me change the thoughts I have about other people and myself and my life and what the future holds for me. I feel more positive and confident about all of it!
Solo Employee: I started working with Megan because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I wasn’t going anywhere and just felt halted. I wasn’t moving forward, I didn’t feel like myself, and I often felt down and anxious.
Now I feel happier, more successful, and like I’m actually doing things with my life and achieving goals. I'm less anxious, I feel more confident with myself, and I'd recommend coaching to anyone!
Solo Employee:
Before I started coaching, my biggest problem was that everything felt out of my own control. My emotions, my schedule, my thoughts, everything was just kind of all over the place. I felt like I was constantly having anxiety or feeling overworked and overwhelmed with what was going on in the world and in my life. It was exhausting emotionally and physically as well.
Currently I have a sense that I know what I’m doing and have both hands on the steering wheel as far as every aspect of my life goes. My negative thoughts and feelings have been cut down by probably 90%. At first I was resistant and thought it would help very little and it ended up helping out ten times more than I thought. It helped me do and be better and it will help you do and be better too. Honestly I think everyone needs coaching!
Encor Employee:
Before getting coached I wasn’t able to discern what I was feeling and why. Stress and overthinking small things made me more stressed than I really needed to be. I was easily burned out from work and was unable to motivate myself to do things if I felt “too stressed” or overwhelmed with something. Being coached helped me take time to dive into my thoughts and emotions to try and figure out the WHYs and the WHATs behind them. It helped me understand what’s happening in my head to ultimately get through what I’m feeling. It wasn’t just “tips and tricks” but I learned skills to be an overall better ME and skills to motivate, destress, and not overthink nearly as much as I used to. Coaching helped me realize that “it’s okay” in all aspects. I feel more grounded and content as well as I’m learning to enjoy the smaller things in life. I’m calmer. Life is still stressful but I don’t react to things in such a negative way all the time anymore. I also feel more productive with just small things that I get done and am more proactive.
Is there something in your life that you wish could be better? A relationship that could improve? A habit you aren't happy with? Let's see how coaching (or therapy!) can help you like it's helped so many others.
Have the best week!
Presence - 6.20.23 - by Megan
How often are you doing something and realize you're doing it pretty mindlessly? Do you ever arrive somewhere and not remember driving yourself there? Or get to the end of your day and not remember what you even did? What about pulling out your phone in a group setting even though you're with people you want to be with?
We are often distracted, lost in thought, or mindlessly scrolling social media (or things like reddit) which actually makes us miss a lot of life.
This happened to me recently. I was outside one morning and realized that instead of enjoying it I had pulled out my phone and was aimlessly scrolling. Luckily I realized pretty quickly what I was doing so I put my phone down and asked myself the following question:
What would I get to see and experience that I would've otherwise missed if I allowed myself to be fully present in this moment?
I started looking around and noticed the sun coming up between the mountain peaks and the different colors in the sky. I noticed a slight breeze across my face. Then a bird flew onto the fence around where I was and started hopping from one post to the next, as if it was doing a little dance! I had never seen anything like it and although it was a small thing, I felt happy I didn't miss it.
I want all of us to practice presence as we go about the rest of this week. Think about times when you are normally distracted or maybe on autopilot and deliberately infuse presence into them. Maybe it's when you're driving or going for a walk or getting ready or talking with friends or being with your family. Then as you're actively trying to be more present, ask yourself those questions above. "If I was truly present in this moment, what would I notice that I would have otherwise missed? What would I hear? What would I see? What would I feel?" And then give yourself the gift of experiencing it.
If this topic interests you and you want to know more, here are some great books on the subject:
"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle
"Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn
"Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life" by Thích Nhất Hạnh
"The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation" by Thích Nhất Hạnh
"Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening" by Joseph Goldstein
I hope you all have a lovely and presence-filled week, I'd love to hear about it if you try it out!
What does it mean to be yourself?
When I was a teen, my mom would often say "Don't forget who you are and what you stand for" before I walked out the door to be with my friends. I didn't even know what she meant! -and I wanted to. Back then, life seemed to move so much slower. There weren't as many distractions and digging to China in my backyard pondering life filled a whole summer!
Part of being an artist requires developing a statement about your work and creative process. My statement begins with a Carl Jung quote; "People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their souls." Regardless of your personal beliefs in "soul" or spirit, do you agree that it's often easier to avoid what we know is right for us than engage with life in a way that aligns our actions to the truth of who we are?
Some questions are just part of being human. How old were you when you started wondering about the existential questions of life? Why am I here? Where do we come from? Where do we go, What's my purpose... What are some of the ways I avoid showing up for myself and those I love?
I think we have art, music, dance and other forms of expression because these are ways we get to experience being part of LIFE! We find answers when we are being creative and curious, when we spend time in nature and when we feel part of a community. We belong to each other and to the earth. We are truly one big human family. We are meant to grow and expand through the hard and soft, joy and sadness and all the extremes of experience while living in the layers and uncertainty of our lives.
Maybe, like me, you feel that knowing yourself is a life-long process and the answers are unique to everyone. Some of us are supported by religion, ancestral beliefs etc. that guide us. Maybe you are satisfied with not knowing the unknowable. Ultimately, like you, I am continually discovering who I am here to BE. For this week, as we come upon the Summer Solstice, (the longest day of the year) Here is a short list of books that can assist you in knowing YOU a little better - If any of them call to you and you end up reading or listening to any one of them, I'd love to hear what you would add and what you think.
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck
The Four Agreements Don Miguel Ruiz
The Untethered Soul Michael Singer
Power Vs. Force, David R. Hawkins
Trust The Process, Shaun Mcniff
The War of Art, Steven Pressfield
Anatomy of the Spirit, Carolyn Myss
The Gifts of imperfection, Brene Brown
Man's Search For Meaning, Victor Frankl
The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron
When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron
Be Here Now, Ram Dass
(This might seem like a weird mind snack but stay with me!! Mental health isn't just about managing your mind, it's about managing your diet too!)
Do you ever experience cravings, excessive hunger, weight gain, brain fog, fatigue, inflammation, hormonal issues, or depression?
There are multiple factors that can contribute to these types of things but one thing many of us don't think about as a contributor is the glucose levels in our bodies. For a long time it was believed that only people with diabetes should care about glucose levels but with new research we now know that everyone should care! Because 1. If you don't have type 2 diabetes then managing your glucose levels will help you prevent it and 2. Most people who don't have diabetes will still experience glucose spikes which can result in the above symptoms as well as an elevated risk of Alzheimer's disease and heart disease.
The Glucose Goddess (a biochemist Jessie Inchauspé who specializes in science education) research shows that if we manage glucose spikes then we can experience less hunger, fewer cravings, better energy and sleep, better immune system and defense against disease, fewer menopausal symptoms, reduced migraine frequency, better brain function, clearer skin, slower aging and reduced wrinkles, less risk and potential reversal of cognitive decline, less cancer risk, better mental health, better gut health, better heart health, improved fertility, less PCOS symptoms, type 2 diabetes remission, etc. Phew! That was a mouthful lol. How crazy is that!!!
The best part is the solutions/hacks she provides to help our glucose levels stay in a healthy range are not overly difficult or complicated. They're just simple things that each of us could start doing to mentally and physically feel better!
THE HACKS:
1. Eat foods in the right order by eating carbohydrates after consuming proteins and vegetables
2. Add a plate of vegetables to all your meals (and preferably eat them first as a veggie starter)
3. Have a savoury breakfast vs. a sweet breakfast
4. Eat desserts over snacks (and if you choose a snack, pick a savory one) and only eat fruit whole
5. Incorporate drinking a tablespoon of vinegar in a glass of water before meals
6. Take a 10 minute walk or have a dance party after each meal
7. Clothe your carbs (starches and sugars) by incorporating a fat and protein along with it
See?? Easy peasy. Even if you don't do all of them, making any of these small adjustments will be good for you!
If you're interested in the research mentioned, you can go here. You can also check out her instagram where she posts helpful visuals of the data, recipes, explanations, etc.
Here's to health!
I had a conversation this morning over coffee with a friend about boundaries. Truth be told, I have long thought that we have swung a little far to one side of the boundary conversation. Maybe in the future we will settle somewhere in the radical middle. Until then let's just say what I know is that our own stories and experiences color our beliefs and that was pointed out to me today when I expressed some of what I think and feel. The journey towards healthy boundaries can be quite treacherous!
Several months ago, Megan, your awesome resident Life Coach sent out an email about boundaries. It has some great info. I'm linking it here in case you missed it. Link
This podcast was one of the first that led me to more deeply think about boundaries and the idea that a lack of boundaries stems from unmet needs.
Podcast - From People Pleaser to Boundary Boss w/ Terri Cole
I signed up for a free 3 part course later this month with Terri Cole. If you'd like to dig in deeper too, here is where you can go to sign up!
Terri Cole - Training Let me know if you do, I'll love to hear about your experience!
Simplify Life for Better Mental Health
This is a concept I strongly believe in, and one that is often hard for me to put into practice consistently... which is why I'm sharing it this week! :)
This week I challenge you to say "no" to at least one thing that drains you, and say "yes" to one thing that really brings joy and recharges you. That's it.
Today I'm personally choosing to say "no" to working late, and I'm saying "yes" to the climbing gym with my hubs, and maybe even a Sarah Blondin meditation... and ice cream (so many favorite things!)
Wishing you all a lovely week and weekend of self-caring
And as always, please reach out to us if you're ever needing support.
Playlist of Guided Meditations
(A month's worth of simple, short, free, guided meditations from Insight Timer App)
May is Mental Health Awareness Month
Mental Health Awareness Month has been observed in the U.S. since 1949. Every year during the month of May, NAMI joins the national movement to raise awareness about mental health. Together, we fight stigma, provide support, educate the public and advocate for policies that support the millions of people in the U.S. affected by mental illness. Click the link to learn more about how you can get involved.
I don't want them to be upset with me.
...Have you ever had a thought like that?
This has come up with a few clients recently so I thought it would be helpful to share one of the Thought Models* we created.
*If you don't know what the Thought Model is, watch this one minute video explaining it
Thought Model:
Circumstance: A situation involving multiple family members
The thought about the circumstance: I don't want them to be upset with me.
The feeling this thought created: Worried
The actions taken when feeling worried: Ruminate, make assumptions/make up stories in my head of what’s going to happen, try to fix it, try to control everyone’s emotions, reach out constantly, don’t acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings, give the type of validation I wish others would give me (and when I don't receive it I get resentful), catastrophize, blame myself, don’t let it go, get headaches, cry, stomach aches, not as present, distracted, snap at others
Result: I’m upset with me AND them
Okay woah. Isn't it wild that such a seemingly nice thought like "I don't want them to be upset with me" creates such suffering? We have plenty of other seemingly nice thoughts like "I just want them to be happy" or "I just want everyone to get along". Honestly, they seem SO nice! But the truth is that half the time people are going to be upset with us, they are not going to feel happy, and they are not going to get along! So when we try to control something that we have no control over (like other people's emotions), we're actually being a little manipulative and it doesn't benefit anybody.
Now I'm not saying don't be a nice person! Definitely be kind to others and treat the people in your life well.
What I am saying is that you should get curious about what you create for yourself when you do certain things because you want people to act a certain way. Life gets a whole lot easier when you show up the way you want to and then just allow everyone else to do the same!
If you saw a little bit of yourself in these sentences, please reach out and let's get you on the road to people-pleasing recovery. It's not as hard of a journey as you might think.
Usually I know what to write for these "mind snacks." There is a pre-dominate theme that I have been self-inquiring about or I am noticing some similarities when meeting with people. This week I've been putting off writing this because I don't have any idea what that "thing" is. I have since realized the theme for the week, month, lifetime is procrastination.
Most of us (everybody) struggles with procrastinating. I used to "be" a master procrastinator. Now I know it is a habit, not a way of being and have developed tools that are helpful. I still often feel stuck and procrastinate but I have also improved in this area and I am sure you can too!
Here are a couple great Youtube videos from Mel Robbins that have been recently released that really hit home for me on why we do it and tools for changing the habit and the mindset.
Mel Robbins - Are You Still Struggling w/ Procrastination?
If those are too lengthy there are many smaller clips to search and listen to.
Maybe we can join forces with the energy and forward movement of spring and the Sun in the assertive and fiery sign of Aries this month and focus, expand and feel the satisfaction of accomplishing hard things!
PS. If you've been procrastinating on the self-care front make an appointment with one of us wonderful people on your wellness team!
We would love to meet you!
Invest in Your Relationship: The Emotional Bank Account (2 min vid) - (See attached doc for more on this)
Invest in Your Relationship (article)
"The difference between happy and unhappy couples is how they manage their Emotional Bank Account."
3 Ways to Invest in Your Relationship (article)
"Make deposits into the wealth of your relationship and see dividends in love."
Relationships Are Hard, But Why? (TED) - Quick video! SO worth it!!
In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience – and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.
Five (doable) Ways to Increase the Love in Your Life - Article by one of my faves (Brene Brown) and SO worth the read!!
Other great materials if you're wanting more learning & tools for your relationships! :)
Where Should We Begin? - podcast w/ Esther Perel
How to Be a Better Partner (podcast)
How to Cultivate a Strong Romantic Relationship (podcast)
Relationship Quiz - How Well Do You Know Your Partner?
Create an Equal Relationship and Lasting Love with True Acts of Service
The Person Beside You: How Intimate Relationships Shape Our Lives
Conflict is a Normal and Natural Part of Your “Happily Ever After”
I don't know about you but March is historically not my favorite time lol. Many of us are a little sick of winter, there aren't any major holidays to look forward to (unless you're big on celebrating St. Patrick's Day), and the earth isn't quite ready to be spring yet.
So as I thought about what I wanted to share with you this month, I thought the following would be helpful to brighten up the days before Spring really gets going!
This 11 minute meditation from Sarah Blondin is my FAVORITE. It's an automatic pick-me-up that helps boost my mood and gratitude. She asks a very simple question that instantly creates a positive shift. It's like magic!
I just listened to this podcast episode and really loved it. Cathy Heller interviews Dr. Bob Waldinger on what makes a good life and lessons he's learned from the longest study on happiness. He also has this TED Talk that has over 44 million views (!) that is worth the 12 minute watch.
Here are a few other things that have helped March feel nicer:
- Eating healthy food that makes me feel good
- Taking advantage of the sun being out longer by going on walks or doing other physical activity I enjoy
- Make a list of everything I've received the past week. When I did this, I was shocked at how long the list was! It was humbling to realize how much I noticed when I took the time to.
- Taking time to enjoy sunrises or sunsets
- Take advantage of the times I want to be inside. I know in a couple weeks I'll want to spend most of my free time outside so now is the time to do all the indoorsy things. House projects, watch movies, etc!
- Turn on music I know the words to and sing loudly (alone or with others)
What are some things that have helped you enjoy these end of winter days? I would love to hear!
And as always, please reach out to me or one of our therapists for anything you need. Have a great week!
"Life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you are not free."
-- Peter Crone.
Lately, a subject that has been coming up a lot lately when I meet with people is betrayal. Specifically, how to cope with the aftermath and feelings that come up when we are hurt by those we love and trust.
Sometimes we need to stay and invest in the relationship and work through it. Other times, it's better for us to let go to create space for the person we are becoming and new relationships that are a better fit in our lives.
We tend to value length over substance in terms of partnerships. When enduring suffering and constant pain and challenges are the themes in a relationship it might be time to make changes that don't feel good but ultimately can lead to increased freedom and joy.
So the first step in making a decision in regards to this is to ask the questions:
How much do I value this relationship? Is it worthy of repair? Could it be worth having hard conversations and rebuilding? Do we need to find a 3rd party to support and mediate in this process? Who are a few trusted friends or family members
I can reach out to that can listen and help me process my feelings?
Here is a podcast released this week from Mel Robbins that gives examples of how to get your power back after being impacted by betrayal.
Here is another podcast episode exploring Self Betrayal and losing one's sense of self in relationships. It is a good one for those of you in committed partnerships. Self-betrayal
And here is a quick read article: This is Why Betrayal Hurts So Much
This week, I'd love to share a bit about SE (Somatic Experience) and why "orienting" or connecting/re-connecting to our bodies and environment is so important in a healing process.
I consider the way I am oriented as a therapist is as a Somatic Practitioner. I believe our bodies hold the stories of our lives. We have experiences (positive and negative) and depending on our developmental age, culture, environment, adult's reactions around us etc. we form beliefs from these experiences that can impact how we feel and perceive ourselves and our place in the world.
Sometimes these register in our Soma (body systems) as trauma. It resonates with me that trauma isn't an "event" but how our system reacts to an event. Trauma can overwhelm our capacity to regulate our emotions and can result in a disconnection or dissociation from our bodies and our truest selves.
While this can feel like a complex subject, trauma can be broken down into 2 types.
#1- Big T trauma can result from a car accident, exposure to violence or war, displacement, divorce or parental divorce, death of a loved one etc.
#2- Small t trauma can result from chronic emotional neglect, constant overstimulation, being sensitive in a world that moves fast and can feel harsh, repeated "unseen" and subtle abuse that can chip away slowly at our sense of self etc.
One is not less impactful or more difficult to heal from than the other. There are many variables to how we respond to life and adverse experiences are universal. What seems to be true is that everyone experiences and carries trauma, it's part of life as a human, on earth.
In a therapy session this information is helpful in seeing why and where we react in our present life situations/relationships when triggered by a past trauma versus how we can respond. Healing happens out of the therapy room and in real-life moments when we can disconnect from habitual behavior patterns and reactions, pause and respond in new ways that better serve us and our life. There is so much to discover in tools and ways to shift into responding consciously.
Your Life is Your Medicine.
If this information sparks your curiosity and you'd like to learn more, SE is explored in the books and work of Peter Levine, It is related to Polyvagal Theory developed by Stephen Porges @ stephenporges.com
Here is a website and YouTube channel that explores SE through many free resources, classes, courses, interviews, etc. I've personally taken a (paid) online course with her: @ irenelyon.com https://www.youtube.com/@IreneLyon/featured
Warm Regards,
Brandi
Boundaries - 2.21.23 - by Megan
[From the archives]
I'm sure you've heard the word boundaries thrown around quite a bit but I want to share with you a different perspective that I hope is helpful.
True boundaries:
Are created in a spirit of love and kindness
Help us know how WE will act in certain situations
Are a form of self care and created for ourselves
Help us figure out what we want to allow in our lives
Tell the truth
Promote self responsibility and empowerment
Help us have closer relationships with others
Free us from unnecessary resentment, mind drama, and conflict
Help us create authentic relationships with people we previously struggled with
True boundaries are NOT:
Controlling other people's behavior or manipulating others for your own benefit
Created for other people
Made out of fear, anger, or a place of blame
Intended to push people away or isolate us from others
Selfish or rude (the irony is that this is probably how we look to others when we don't have proper boundaries!)
Meant to keep others out of our lives
Emotional
Ultimatums
Often when people talk about boundary issues they confuse them with requests. Examples of this would be wishing your husband would take the garbage out or your wife would be more romantic or wanting a friend to call you on your birthday or wanting your boss to give you more praise.
Humans get to do whatever they want and so boundaries aren't about trying to control other people. Boundaries are about being clear about what YOU will do IF someone does something that crosses YOUR boundary.
Some suggestions around creating a boundary:
1. Boundaries are basically decisions we make beforehand of how we are going to act in certain situations so before setting a boundary, you have to be clear about what your personal boundaries are. When we aren't even clear ourselves, it's hard for other people to know when they've crossed one.
2. Boundaries should be set from love for yourself and the other person. Don't create a boundary until you can get to a calm, peaceful place.
3. Boundaries need to be communicated only when someone has violated them. Emphasize that this is how you are taking care of yourself and it's nothing against them.
4. Once a boundary has been violated, we need to communicate to the person that they've crossed a boundary, and clearly state the consequences if they don't stop. This comes in the form of a request (ask someone to stop doing the thing that infringes on your property - literally or emotionally) and a consequence (tell the person what you will do if they do not comply with your request)
5. Once you make the request, give them the option to do whatever they would like to do, and then follow through on that request. This is the hardest part but failure to follow through and act accordingly sends the message that the boundary doesn't truly exist!
Let's look at some examples.
Let's say your boss yells at you. It's possible this doesn't bother you and it's not a problem. But if it does bother you and you aren't okay with it, then this would be an appropriate time to state a boundary. It might sound something like "Hey, I just want you to know that if you continue to raise your voice at me I'm going to leave the room until you can speak calmly. If this type of thing continues, I will also need to go to HR to discuss the situation". And then whatever your boss does next determines what you do next. Does that make sense? Since you clearly stated your boundary, you don't have to get upset or frustrated because you've made it clear what the consequence is if the behavior persists. We want to make situations like this math, not drama.
This could also look like (plug in any boundary) "Look, I'm not comfortable with this going on. If it does continue, this is what I'm going to do. I think you're wonderful and I value our friendship/partnership/relationship, so that's why I want to be clear and straightforward with this".
Is this making sense? Boundaries are awesome and being open and honest about them and then enforcing them from a place of love keeps you from being frustrated, angry, and resentful. It also allows other people the opportunity to honor them, which ultimately strengthens your relationships and benefits everyone.
If you'd like to learn more about boundaries you can listen to THIS podcast episode or slack me to chat about your own.
Don't hesitate to reach out to any of our wonderful therapists or myself with any questions or scheduling inquiries you have and we'll take care of you.